There's a song by John Waller that says, "While I'm waiting I will serve You. While I'm waiting I will worship. While I'm waiting I will not faint. I'll be running the race even while I wait." It has been three and a half months since I have returned home from my nine week internship around the world. To most people, that probably doesn't seem like a long time. Days seem to drag on, but weeks fly by, and before you know it, it's a new month. Time has gone by fast for me since returning home, but I feel like I have been home for longer. Most people who know me understand that my heart really longs to be elsewhere. My heart feels restless here. But one thing God has been teaching me for the past five years is patience.
I have been so eager to go that I have only really been looking forward to the future, not stopping to live my life in the present. I felt so certain that I was to apply to the EFCA and join their team in Lima. But when that door closed, I felt like I crashed. What now? Was the EFCA the wrong organization? Is Peru the wrong location?
But when I took a step back, what I saw was me trying to rush into missionary service in my own timing, not God's. I love to plan. I love to have all the answers. I plan out my days so precisely. But God has reminded me that my life is not my own. God has a plan for me that is far better than I could ever imagine (Jeremiah 29:11). And I need to stop running towards the future so much that I miss what God has planned for me right now. Right now I have a job in the secular world, I am involved in different areas of the Latino Ministry at church, I help out in the ARRIBA tutoring program at church, and I am still living at home with my family. These are all good things, and God has a purpose for me being where I am at. I can still make a difference and be God's instrument while I am here at home.
Whatever my future holds, whatever God has planned for me three months, six months, a year, five years down the road, I will embrace those as He reveals them to me. Until then, I must have the patience to wait. I must have joy in the present. Just because I am home in the States doesn't mean I can't make a difference. And I can use this time to grow closer to God, deepening my faith and love for Him, and preparing for what is to come.
While I had hoped to be a lot farther along in the process of becoming a missionary at this point, I don't want to go just to go. I have put a pause on applying for the EFCA. I am currently spending time in God's Word, praying, and seeking advice from family and pastors. Please continue to be praying for me as I keep adjusting to being back at home.
I found your blog when I was Googling how personality types relate to spiritual gifts, but then I realized that your blog was about your heart for missions. I'm in/have been in the place you are in- waiting to be a missionary. My college internship took me to Honduras with World Gospel Mission. Two months after I got back from that I returned to Honduras to teach English at a mission-run school for underprivileged teenage boys. I loved it, and half way through the year I decided to return for a year. I got geared up for that, but before I even returned to the States God had let me know that that wasn't his plan. I was heartbroken, but I knew it was his plan.
ReplyDeleteI got a job and tried to convince myself I needed to experience being a young single in the US. But then God told me to go to Seminary. I went (to Columbia International Univ.) I went for a year and loved it. Since then I came back home and contemplated my next step. I did a lot research into missions, but I never felt a "go ahead" from God. A couple months ago I suddenly felt like I should apply with my old mission. It feels good to have direction, but I still have my final interview to go through before I get accepted, and then come support-raising.
I know what it's like to feel the call, but not know how or when it will proceed. My time of waiting could be extended. I really have grown through my time of waiting though. I have a lot of time to think and plan and learn. I hope I'll be in Honduras in a year, and it pains me to think of how much I could be doing there right now, but God's timing is best, right? I go to a EFCA church so I am somewhat familiar with their mission. If you haven't checked out South America Mission you might try that one (I did and really liked them but decided I was called to Central America). The mission I hope to go with, World Gospel Mission, also has work in Peru (as do countless others I am sure!). I know how lonely and confusing this time can be, if you ever want to talk you can email me SarahMayLarson @ gmail.com