Grr-ness

Ever since I came home from Peru, I've felt rather weird. I don't know how to describe it in a word besides "grr-ness" because when I think about how I've been feeling, I just want to say, "grr." It's so frustrating that I've been feeling this way.

I haven't gotten more than a half a dozen good nights of rest in the past two months. Most things don't really even seem enjoyable to me. I have no motivation to do homework, hang out with people, talk with people, even spend time with God. I think I hit a spiritual and emotional slump. And it's such a weird feeling and I want it to go away.

At first I thought I wasn't sleeping well and feeling this way because there was so much I still had to process from the trip and talk through and make sense of. Yet it's been two months and I still feel this way. I've thought about the idea of it being depression. Yet I don't want to automatically jump there.

I am the kind of person who always thinks. I'm always thinking about something. Yet there have been several times in the past two months where I can't think about any one particular thing. Why? Because I have a million different thoughts flooding my mind that I can't even pick one to think about specifically. If I try to find something to think about, it branches off into another ten different ideas, which each branch off into another ten other ideas. This is so overwhelming and exhausting that I usually just give up. My thoughts then just run like crazy, jumping from one thing to another with no logical connection. For this reason, I find it very hard to write lately. I usually don't even know where to start. I'm surprised I was able to sit down to write this.

Talking to my friends in Peru make me sad because I miss them like no other. Yet I need to talk to them. I would go insane if I didn't. When I let my thoughts wander, they usually fall to my friends. I miss hugging them just because I could. I miss talking to them face to face. I miss laughing and goofing off together. I miss failing at Spanish with them. I miss going out to eat together.

My one "safe place" for my thoughts and emotions is my music. I can put on Point of Grace, 4HIM, Phillips, Craig & Dean, Spanish worship, or anything else I have in my library and have a song fit exactly how I'm feeling. My music speaks louder than words so often because the music itself (not just the lyrics) contains to much emotion that I can't physically express or write down. Yet it frustrates me to know that I can't share these feelings with someone else because they're too internal.

I know God has me here for a purpose. I have a reason for being here at this moment. Yet I so look forward to the day when I can see my friends again. Smell the diesel from the busses, see, hear, and think Spanish, and view the gorgeous cities of Lima and Callao. Half of my heart is still in Callao. It's been there for three years now, and I miss that part of me. I know I'm no Peruvian nor no expert on the culture (or language!). Yet I know it feels like home. That is an undeniable feeling that I can guarantee will never fade. Peru will forever be a part of me.